Lately, I lost my appetite for love

I do not know why but love has become like a double cheese chicken burger, delicious but yet I do not have anymore appetite for it. Perhaps I'm never lucky in love all my life and it's just sickening to start all over again.

I must admit that I've been very playful again these days but what to do (even the way I write sounds playful). I am trying to balance myself and if I stop flirting with girls I might be the next Elton John's fan, and I dont wanna go there. If you gays are reading this, then know this, I WILL NEVER BE YOUR GANG. FUCK OFF AND GET SOMEONE ELSE's BUTT. YOU WILL NEVER OWN MINE. HEHE. (no disrespect though)

Anyway, back to the topic. I thought about it for a very long time and could have started a relationship with someone but I couldn't. I am back to my old self! I am afraid of commitment once again. DAMN! I know. It's like a disease that takes time to cure. I had it cured before and now I need to cure it once again.

What exactly do I need? I dont know. Can I just have sex and not invest any feelings? Hehe. No no.. Dont judge me that way. I know my friends will be slamming me down for saying this (only female I mean. For guys, they will of course tell me to fucking go ahead with it, especially Mahen. LOL.). But my heart is fragile every now and then. It's too much of a risk.

A friend once told me that if I am afraid to love then I dont deserved to be loved. I think you can guess that those fucking words came from a woman. Who else would say that other than the female species, right? Full of shit but still true. DAMN!

Maybe I havent found the right one but who on earth can tell who is the right one? After all, my guesses always goes wrong. Sux right?

What kind of girl would suit me? Intelligent but commanding? Pretty but stupid? Sexy but silly? Hot but heartless? Happy but playful? Skinny but always angry? Fat and ugly but kind and caring? Sigh..... why cant I find someone who is intelligent, pretty, sexy, hot, happy, kind and caring? Is there none of these qualities left or are they all married? Cant they bloody divorce and marry me? You know that I dont mind divorcee. Hehe.

Perhaps being too demanding is not a good thing but then again I am only human and human always strive for perfection. But to get that kind of woman (intelligent, pretty, sexy, hot, happy, kind and caring), an angel must fly out from your arse in order to get to her, which means impossible. DAMN!

Anyway, I got know a few girls in clubs and one of them is only 19. She asked me out and I was like... duh? 19? Just exactly how many years I need to invest in her before she become matured and know exactly what she want? Plus, why would a 19 years old girl go out with an old man like me by the way. What the fuck was she thinking? Clueless. Just like most of the teenagers nowadays. Or perhaps she was thinking of free drinks and always get to party by going out with me? FORGET IT! hehe. Not that I am not a gentleman but then I dont wanna waste my time on go-go girls who wanna have fun and then when the drinks and partying are done, tell you to fuck off!

I know what you're thinking. Perhaps I need to go for counselling soon. I cant fall in love again until I had my mind clear up and knows exactly what I want again. But that aint gonna be my resolution for 2010. My resolution for 2010 is to be successful in my business. Guys always tell me that if you have money, women will come to you. OK. I know what you're thinking. I AM BUYING IT, Motherfuckers!! Hehe.

You know you look young when....

1) New people you happened to meet ask you if you are 25
2) Your colleague at work ask when you are going to complete your internship
3) Police in casino check your IC
4) People whom you just know demanded that you show them your IC to confirm your actual age
5) Your own dad mistakenly said you are 28

And all that is happening to me. HAHA. If you're reading this, dont be jealous. Here's some tips for you.

1) Change your hairstyles
2) Lose weight
3) Protect your skin all the time
4) Sleep early if possible

That is all that is needed!

My Story: The day the fairy tale love ended

It was just a phone call. A phone call to tell me that it is over while I’m still thinking of how we can make up and get over it. For a few days since we argued and turned cold towards each other, I was thinking a lot. I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. A lot of blaming and tantrums were being thrown in the way. I was very ill for a few days and she was very frustrated with me for not being able to spend some valuable time with her. She started to think about how I had ignored her and left her out in the cold at times. Things got worst and she called.

“Dillon, you are a nice guy and I love you sincerely. But I do not know how to be your girlfriend anymore. I couldn’t carry on” said Shwu Yan.

I was very calm. I do not know why. I believe that when you are calm, you can get problems solve and I didn’t want to make a scene out of it.

I told her calmly, “Allow me to speak to you face to face. You are now very uncertain and emotional. Let’s not make decision that we will both regret one day”

Reluctantly, she agreed to meet me but the outcome didn’t went that well. We were not the kind of couples who would fight and argue a lot. We had a lot of respect for each other. But somehow, things changes. Till now I still think the large part of our break-ups is mainly due to me and I will again have to live with nothing but regrets.

When I met her in her room, I was still very calm. I asked her questions but I noticed her eyes are no longer warm towards me. Instantly, I knew she had a change of heart.

“I just want to be honest with you, Dillon. If we carry on, it will be meaningless. If I meet someone else whom I would consider to be better than you, then I may betray you and hurt you. I don’t wanna do that” she said.

“How can you throw our love away. We were together for 3 years and a half and we wanted to get married. With all the planning and stuffs, how can you just let it all go?” I replied.

“The thing is, I don’t think we are suitable for each other. I don’t think marrying would be the right thing to do.”

I harped on and on about what we’ve gone through for the past 3 and a half years as tears started flowing out from her eyes. Still, I was calm. I didn’t want to be nervous and lost. I did all I could to hold on to the last moment.

“Let’s give ourselves 2 weeks to calm down and be in no contact other than messaging each other” I said.

She agreed. So for the whole 2 weeks, I was shattered. In spite of the heart-breaking moment, I somehow slowly agreed with what she said. I started to think about the problems that constantly came our way and it was still not resolved. Few months before this, I told my best friend, Jerret, that my relationship with Shwu Yan has taken a wrong turn and it is heading nowhere. I don’t feel like getting married with her anymore. I feel that there are a lot of uncertainties building up and I don’t wanna divorce one day. He and my family agreed and have constantly advised me to break up with her peacefully. But I couldn’t. I miss her. I couldn’t bear the thoughts of losing someone so dear to me for so long. So I dragged on and constantly told her how I feel and what we needed to do to overcome some problems that have been standing in our way or else it wouldn’t work out. Instead of solving those issues, our relationship became more stressful. I settled in to my new role as Producer in my company and that has brought the worst out of me. I started to grumble a lot and the stress and challenges that came along with this new role has taken out on me. I was in so much discontent and she couldn’t bear it. I was right, as the longer it goes, she started to realise that we are heading nowhere. She no longer feels excited about our apartment. She no longer harbour the same feeling towards our marriage plan, as before she would constantly talked about how she wanted her wedding to be. Just a simple wedding with no smokers and drinkers. She hated people who drink or smoke. But all that, went down to the drain slowly. I realised that she has changed over the years. She’s no longer the simple girl who saves a lot of money. She started spending lots of money on branded clothing and bragged about how she doesn’t want her life to change in spite of marriage. She has always reminded me that her money will be for her and that my money will be for the household as I will be the man of the house. Till now I disagree. 2 persons building up a family will need massive cooperation. Counting on 1 leg to hold everything is too much. I know that one day I will not be able to stand this selfishness in her but I couldn’t blame her. All my life, I have been a really selfish person especially towards my family. Who I am to tell her off?

2 weeks passed by and I was in extreme melancholy. Nobody will understand the trauma that I went through. Absolutely nobody except God. I can feel that she is very cold although she reluctantly replied my SMS.

In fact she didn’t wait for 2 weeks. On the 12^th day of our supposed calming down period, she called.

“How are you, Dillon?” she said.

In the past I would replied with a lame joke. “Banggali loves you, baby. That’s what my reply will be because you always begin our phone conversation with ‘How are you’.

But now, all I could afford to say was that “I am fine”.

I didn’t allow her to carry on with our conversation smoothly and I quickly interrupt.

“I’ve been thinking a lot and I agree with what you say and will respect your decision. I shall return your stuff to you very soon” I said.

“Oh, there’s no rush. Take your time. I’m sure you agree that these 2 weeks has been really peaceful for the both of us” she replied

I knew at that point of time, there’s no turning back. 3 and a half years of fairy tale love just ended like that with a simple phone call. I still love her and respect her as I always do. I wish her the best and she did likewise and the conversation ended abruptly.

For the next few weeks, life was horrible as expected. I was at work in the morning when I broke down in tears. I ran as quickly as I could towards the exit. Prior to that, I grabbed some tissues with me. I cried so much like it’s the end of the world. Crying became a routine for the whole 1 week in different sessions. Concentrating on work and be strong? Forget it.

I never understand how Jerret felt last time when he cried and cried after breaking up with Niko. I can see the pain in his eyes and imagine how shattered his heart would be but I can never know it until I experience it myself. But now the chance has finally arrived. I finally knew. All the heart breaking pain that I have to swallow. It was much more painful than any physical pain that I have endured all my life. Only difference is, my heart bleeds badly this time. It’s like a thousand needles poking into my heart.

Every part of me broke down that day as we bid goodbye to each other. I struggled to be strong and carry on. I knew since the day I was born that I was neither tough nor strong. I am as emotional as a woman. In front of my caring friends I would be normal but deep down inside my heart, all the shattering pains that I am enduring at that time is unthinkable. Only 1 colleague saw me crying like a baby. Margaret took me out to the exit and talked to me. Her concern for me was undiminished. She’s a very caring friend besides being a very nice colleague. As we started to talk I still hold on strongly and pretended to be normal. I don’t like to be a hypocrite but I couldn’t bear the thoughts of someone else watching me crying. Maybe it’s the male-ego thing. But as we carry on and on with the conversation, emotion got the better of me. I broke down and cried. As hard as I tried to control myself, I couldn’t resist the tears from flowing out. She witnessed the horrible side of me. There was this man who used to be very cheerful and constantly cracking out lame jokes now sitting down restless and weeping like a woman. I was really in love and it was tearing me apart. She spent some time comforting me and telling me that there’s still hope to rekindle the relationship with Shwu Yan if I want to. But I know deep down inside my heart, there’s no turning back. I have to move on. Simple as that.

Jerret told me that every little thing will affect me from now onwards. He was damn right. Since I broke up with Shwu Yan, the places that we’ve been together, the songs we used to listen to, the movies, etc, affected me badly. It’s like every single thing reminds me of her and it is killing me slowly with all the mental tortures that I have to go through. It was awful. It’s hard not to be emotional unless I have a heart of a stone.

Without saying, this affects my job badly. I didn’t keep it as a secret as I revealed it to my direct boss what has happened to me so that she understand the emotional trauma that I am going through. As much sympathy as she had for me, she couldn’t resist taking a swing at me as my job performance was at an all time low. She knew she had to straighten me up but she needed to be cautious in doing so. I feel sorry for her. She was constantly under pressure and now she had to look after this helpless little scumbag who contributes more problems to her. After a week, I told myself to stop crying and really get back to some serious business. I need to perform to save my job at the very least. Year end performance review is around the corner and I am underperforming.

Perhaps God assisted in the best way possible and brought me back to life after a week and I was able to concentrate on my work and perform my very best and won back praises from my boss. I have faith in him, never stop praying and keep believing. Thank God, the year end review was excellent. I wonder what could have happen to me if I were to lose my job, my girlfriend and everything else. Perhaps I would be considering suicide right now.

I still cry every now and then especially when the radio plays the song by Celine Dion. The song “All by Myself”. The radio station was perhaps making fun of me by playing it a few times during that horrible week. However I will never allow myself to spend an awful lot of time looking back at what could have been. I feel like I’ve lost a very close relative other than just a girlfriend. She was always there to share my ups and downs in the past. But now I am all alone, facing everything by myself. I know the only way to carry on is look towards the future. So here I am, single, slightly overweight and depressed.

As I am writing this, I am in still in depression. I couldn’t sleep well at night and constantly lack of direction in my life. I became lack of confident. I hated the way I look. I hated the fact that I am overweight. I hated my life altogether.

So I took the desperate first step towards reinventing myself. I started to diet. Really hardcore diet. I stopped eating 3 meals a day. I switched to 2 meals a day instead. It didn’t matter that much. The weight resisted and wouldn’t give way. I was pissed. Instead of giving up, I took the drastic measure. I took only 1 meal a day and starting smoking again. I know it’s stupid after quitting for 4 years but smoking relaxed my hunger and my urges for food died down. I became unhealthy and was constantly having migraines due to my eating disorder. I never gave up still. I feel that dieting gives me the motivation to go on. All I know was that I needed to look good again. I don’t know if there will be any consequences to this, but I couldn’t be bothered. All I care for now is, I wanna look good again. Bloody good. Better than I have ever been before all my life. I promised all my friends who were really caring that I will quit once I reached my desire weight and I will. I know how to quit smoking and I can handle that.

My extreme focus on diet and my constantly busy socialising schedule took depression out of the way a little. I feel like a teenager and I am my bad self again. But no, I ain’t going back to the loser existence and live carefree again. I just wanted some time to relax and more importantly get back to my ideal weight. I just think of it like I’m like an old vehicle now. I need to polish up, beautify it in order to sell again, if you know what that means.

Anyway, I lost 7 kgs straight after that. Then, concerned friends from everywhere wanted to hook me up with some girls every time they meet up with me. Lots of description given but hell, I was thinking of the fact that I needed to start all over again. All the dating, movies, chatting on the phone and getting to know a new person. How tiring. I thought of a quote to describe how I feel about love.

“Love is always sweet in the beginning, sour in between and bitter at last” – Dillon Yong, 2009

My Story: The day when I quit smoking, quit eating pork and quit eating fish

There is some amazing stuff that I want to share with you. You may think it’s nonsense or superstitious but it is something that happened to me and I’m telling you as it is.

First of all, I don’t eat a lot of meat and I’m allergic to seafood apart from fish. From childhood, I already know I can’t eat mutton and beef. I don’t know why. I will vomit upon consuming this. To me, mutton and beef are really smelly. So from young, I can only eat chicken, pork, fish and duck and of course vegetables. I can’t eat ladies finger and eggplant as well. Again, I will vomit after taking those things. I don’t know why. My mum used to force me to eat ladies finger and eggplant and I occasionally end up getting scolded for not willing to. This was until she finally understands my suffering.

Anyway, I first started to quit eating pork during that time when JE virus struck the whole nation. It wasn’t because of that virus that I quit eating. It was something else. One day, I read the newspaper and found out that many pigs have been poisoned to death as they are suspected to be the carrier of that deadly disease. I was very upset. I don’t know why. I am very sad to know that many pigs have been massacred and eventually they found out that pigs are not the original cause of JE. I know those pigs will eventually end up as your meal one day but to know that so many have been innocently massacred with poison gas, saddened me. I can’t help it. At night, I had nightmares after nightmares witnessing all the pigs died. I wept. I woke up with my eyes full of tears. I told my friends the next day and they laughed at me. They said that I would get on with my life and enjoy “bak-kut-teh” very soon. This did not happened of course. My mum prepared dinner with our usual favorite sweet and sour pork and I couldn’t even touch it. I told my mum about what happened and I do not ever want to eat pork anymore. Fortunately she understands. My dad took it as a joke. But I know I was serious. It was only after a few months that my dad took it that I really had given up on eating pork. It’s been 10 years or more now since I last consumed it and I can safely said that I had completely given up on pork. People said that I am superstitious and that I am missing out on the best things in life, which is food. Bollocks. I know it’s hard for people to understand me. I can’t be eating pork if I don’t enjoy eating it, right? Besides how I can eat something that makes feel sad. It’s just not right.

Few years later, I quit eating fish. Again, another amazing thing happened to me. I remember when I was in Standard Six when I first got choked by a fishbone, which caused so much pain and anguish to me. The doctor was not helpful. He did everything he could but still can’t remove the bone stuck in my throat. At that time, our next door neighbor were doing renovation work and the man knowing what happened to me came over. He prayed for me and made me drank a glass of water and the next day, the bone is gone. No more pain and suffering. Amazing but no, I didn’t quit eating fish since then. I continue eating it carefully until another amazing thing happened. Again this time, fishbone choked me after I had my supper. All the painful memories came crawling back. The pain was so sharp and it was late at night. So I can’t go to clinic and I had to wait for the next day. That night, I was struggling with the pain and obviously I cant sleep. I remembered the prayer that I had before so I did the same thing. I prayed to God to ease me from all the suffering and make the bone disappear and in return I promised never to consume fish anymore. I drank a glass of water and was fast asleep. The next day, the bone was gone. Amazing! This is not a joke. It’s real. I double-check my throat again and again and the bone is really missing. Thank God. All the suffering is gone. I kept my promise. I quit eating fish from that day onwards and to sum it up, I quit eating duck as well as I never like eating duck anyway. Again, I told mum and dad about what happened and separated all the fishes away from my meal. I told them I made a promise to God and I must keep it. My parents respected my decision knowing that I am someone who will insist on what I said. Again you may think it is just another bollocks but I don’t care. It is real and it happened to me. So until it happen to you, you may not believe it. It’s been years now since I last consumed my favorite dish of “chee cheong fun” with fishball. I still take “chee cheong fun” but without any seafood.

As for the smoking part, let me begin with the fact that I’ve smoked for 13 freaking years. Scary, isn’t it? I was that naughty. I started smoking ever since 14. Sorry to Victor that his name have to be here. Victor Sum is my Form 3 classmate and the one who influenced many of us to smoke. Of course it’s not completely his fault. He started smoking and we think that it’s really cool and we followed. At first, I was just a social smoker. Soon I cant live without cigarettes and when I went to Help College, I became a chain smoker. So why and how did I quit smoking? There’s nothing miracle for this but I would like to share with you my secret formula (If it works for you, then it’s cool. If it doesn’t, then too bad J)

Many years before, I’ve tried quitting but the harder I tried the more I failed. Maybe because I wasn’t serious enough. Every time when someone offer me a cigarette, I find it hard to resist. Especially the girls. They are so naughty. Knowing that you want to quit, they will do all they can to tempt you to smoke again. During the time when I finally want to be serious about quitting the puffing habit, my close friend Jerret has quit for about a year already. He inspired me. He is a good example. He told me how he did it. Slowly but surely, he made me realized that it is not that difficult and it’s true. It’s not as difficult as you think. Quit smoking is all about the mind game. If you control your mind, then you can quit successfully. It’s very simple. I told myself I’ve been smoking for 13 years. It’s bad enough. If I’m ever serious about quitting, now is the time. So when I first started to quit, I would wake up in the morning and look into the mirror and then tell myself, I am so proud to be a non-smoker. I am happy that I don’t smoke anymore. People would offer me cigarettes and I would tell them off. I am that proud of myself being a non-smoker. It’s a simple mind game. I kept doing that for a few months. For the first few months, I would have nightmares haunting me. I dreamt of myself smoking again and I was terrified. I would often wake up the next morning feeling relieved that it was just a dream. Whenever I see an old friend, I would proudly announce that I am a non-smoker now. You must be proud of what you are doing in order to encourage yourself. I did that. It’s almost 3 years now since I last touched a cigarette during a mahjong game with Jerret and my ex-college mate, Marcus. I threw away the lighter and half pack of cigarettes (I know it’s a waste but at least I don’t piss away anymore money for cigarettes and I’ve saved RM7000 ever since then. It is RM8.20 for a big pack now so it’s worst for you J).

Nobody believes that I could do it, but hey, I did it in style! I even confessed to my mum about it and at first she was upset to learn that I’ve been smoking for so many years but at last she was impressed.

My Story: My love life, my family and my friends – Part 3

I used to have many party friends and now I only have a few close friends. Friends come and go in our life and I can accept that. There are many people whom I have not been in touch with, but I do miss them. I am horribly sorry. Time is limited when you are working and also studying. Let me assure you that you are always in my mind. That includes all my secondary classmates, college mates and my ex colleagues. You know who you are.

During the time when I have many party friends, we would be hanging around quite often. The good-looking dudes will be bringing me around introducing girls after girls to me. Hearing their stories is really sad. Those cute little party girls that I know who are pretty, sexy and bright are actually heavy smokers, some are heavy drinkers, some are into drugs and mostly like to sleep around with many different guys. They don’t mind any guys as long as they are happy with you. It doesn’t really take a genius to guess that most of them, if not all, don’t do well in their studies or in their life. They pissed away their pocket money or their salaries in clubs or depend on rich guys to spend them. Most of them like to flirt around, waiting for their prince charming to sweep them off in the clubs. Of course without question, there are many horny guys hanging out in clubs looking for easy target. If you go to the right club, I can assure you that you wont be disappointed but then again not all the girls are pretty anyway. Not surprisingly, there are also many girls who like to target white boys and sleep around with them. I once got to know a girl by the name of Veronica. She’s a lonely little girl who likes to party around with her elder sister. They are from a broken family. Both of them like sleeping around with white guys or romantic and funny Chinese guys. She doesn’t have a permanent job. She’s slowly pissing away her own life. At that time, I know many people who are jobless but like to party a lot and most of them are drunkard. They would be looking for friends to treat them. Looking at their life now, it is sad. They have no achievement, no future, no planning, and still pissing away parent’s money. Some even owe loan sharks money due to over excessive partying and drinking. Although they are not my close friends and they can never be, I am still sad for them. I do enjoy their company during those days, as they are those whom you would categorize as sporting. Most of them have little education or didn’t do well in their studies.

During those days, I have a close friend by the name of James Chong. I would like to express my most sincere apology to him for not appreciating him as my best friend over the years. He is like a brother to me and I hope that one day he would forgive me and be my friend again. Till now he has not forgiven me and I had not given up hope. James and I are ex-colleague and we used to hangout a lot together. There was one time, he was in the club with his friends and I went there with my ex-classmates. He saw me and he was pissed. I would usually invite him to join me but I didn’t. Soon after we walked past each other, he got into a fight. I was protecting myself as the bottles were flying all over and he got beaten up badly. I was standing still and did not do anything. He was carried out with head full of blood and I was still inside the club checking out my classmates to ensure they are alright and got them a place to settle down before I make my way out to see him. Of course he was unforgiving already by the time I saw him. He asked me why I took so long to come out. Till now, I have no answer. I didn’t know what I was doing. I am just so sorry. I should have cared for a friend whom I would call a brother. It’s been many years already since that incident happened. Till now, he wouldn’t speak to me. He wouldn’t reply my sms and he would ignore me. At that time, I didn’t appreciate his attitude. I didn’t immediately apologise. I was stubborn and I don’t understand why he had acted angrily. I deeply regretted it right now. I wish one day, James Chong and me will be friends again.

Other than that, I have many friends who have inspired me a lot in life especially, Jerret Tan and Jason Teoh. Jerret and me have known each other like forever. We got to know each other during our teenage years. We do a lot of crazy things together and would be standing by each other. He took care of me all these years and he is the one who inspired me to quit smoking. Who knows, if I hangout with the wrong crowd I would probably be a gangster right now selling pirated DVDs. We grew up together, personally witnessing how both of us have transitioned from naïve little party boys to the gentleman we both are today. He is a very nice person who would pampered all the girls he hangout with. Till now, he’s still doing that. Bloody pimp (just kidding!). He is now running his own business and busily dating a girl and I wished him all the success in life. We are still hanging out together till these days. He is the closest to me without a doubt.

Other than Jerret, I owe a great deal of my life to Jason Teoh. He was the one who inspired 2 things that is really important to me. First, he got me the opportunity to get to know Shwu Yan (my girlfriend) and next he gave me a lot of valuable advises. He pushed me up a level and makes me worked hard to achieve something in my career. He was there for me during those important moments in my life. This is why I believed sometimes people come to your life for a reason. For Jason, he was there to improve me. I appreciate him a lot. Just like Jerret, I treat Jason as my brother. Jason’s character is very different. He can be very mean at times but if you know him well, you know that he don’t mean to hurt you. He’s a very straightforward kind of person and he bears no grudges against his friends. Jason and I are ex-colleague and we still keep in touch as often as we could. Sometimes I think to myself, if Jason has not appeared in my life, I think I would still be underachieving. He don’t think of himself that important, but in my heart I know what he has done for me. Awesome dude. He is currently working in Bank Negara (bloody big shot now) and dating a girl whom he loved a lot.

For now, I hangout a lot with my current colleagues and will be going out for a trip for our year-end holiday.

I may not be a very good friend to many people during my younger days as I do not know how to appreciate many things in life. I can sincerely say that I loved all my friends now and I really miss all of you.

My Story: My love life, my family and my friends – Part 2

For the longest time, I was the black sheep of the family. I don’t really like hanging about at home and talk to my parents. My sister and brother work in Singapore and I hardly talk to them. Basically, I was never close to my family. Friends were very important to me at that time. I must hangout every weekend with my mates or I will feel like hell. I’m such a disgrace to my family. During the time when my dad was suffering from cancer and was fighting for survival in Singapore, all I can think of is party time with my mates. Basically I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t think of it as dead serious matter. I was that immature. I was hanging out with my girlfriend and mates every week in clubs. Thank God, my dad recovered. I came so close to losing someone so important to me. I love my mum and my dad. If I were to lose him I would be really gutted. I would be full of tears right now talking about how much I regretted not appreciating him when he was around.

When Shwu Yan came to me, she brought me closer to my family. She’s a very homely person and that sets a very good example for me. I was ashamed of myself for the way I treated my family for the longest time. I learned to love my family more than I ever had. As I grow older, I started to be very close to my family. Weekends I would be at home, sitting around the TV set with my family or we’ll be playing mahjong. I just love their company. My dad and I are like friends now. We talked so much like we never did before in our entire lifetime. Mum would be excited about Mahjong game every weekend. Not because she’s a big time gambler, it is because it is the family’s favourite game. Mahjong brings us even closer. We would be laughing, smiling, discussing and at times getting annoyed with each other. Mum would usually take a swing at dad for thinking too long before throwing a card out. But the main victim of our family would be my uncle. Uncle Fatt is a very patient and kind person but he is horribly slow and not talented when it comes to Mahjong game. Yet, with the good luck that he always had, he seldom loses. Dad used to call it the “cowshit luck”. To be honest, we were horrible to Uncle Fatt. We bullied Uncle Fatt week in and week out and yet he is always smiling. Class act. Actually, we love Uncle Fatt. Just that we love making fun of him.

I was never close with my elder brother. We were like enemies when I was young. I would ignore him whenever he comes back from Singapore. I would turn on deaf ears when he try to advice me about something important or when he’s angry with me over my lack of interest in our family. I wouldn’t answer back but I will just slam the door and locked myself up in the room and couldn’t be bothered. So disgraceful. Like my parents, my brother has been brilliant to me. He never gave up on me. I was so rude to him and yet this man still loves his younger brother so much. A tear or two came out of my eyes as I’m typing this now, as I have been really horrible to my brother. I’ve never respected him at all and yet this man helps me so much in life. He didn’t care a single bit about the past and he didn’t think of me of not deserving his care. Class act. Without his help, I wouldn’t be owning a house right now. For the rest of my life, I would live to remember how much my brother has done for me.

My brother is a homely man. He cares so much for us. He has made many sacrifices for the family. I’m not even half the man he is and I wish to emulate him one day. I would love to work hard for my family and ease of the burden that my brother has been carrying for so long. I’m very close to my brother nowadays. I would be calling him to discuss things and for advice. My brother is not so talented in Mahjong and thus I would be standing behind guiding him through.

My sister has been staying in Singapore for many years now. We hardly get to talk and when she calls, it’s always just a short chat and that’s all. We were drifted further apart after her marriage. Understandably, she would be busy with her own life as she has a career and 2 babies to take care of. I love my nephew and niece. They are clever and so adorable. My sis would always call to ensure everything is alright and would be very dependable when there’s any issue arise around the family. I was never close to my sister ever since young and thus I hope in the future, we will talk more often. This is still something lacking in me but I’m sure I will work it out.

As for my girlfriend and I, we are inseparable. My life has changed a lot after knowing Shwu Yan. I tamed down. I am more considerate now and I learned to take care of others. We know how to arrange time for ourselves and for our families properly without having much conflict. We respect each other a lot and the key to a happy relationship is, we are always honest to each other.

The day I met Shwu Yan was the most wonderful thing to have ever happened to me.

My Story: My love life, my family and my friends – Part 1

Before I begin talking about my love life, I would like to say something that I sincerely wanted to say for years. I don’t know where to begin but I would love to apologize to a few individuals. I know to some I’ve been such a freaking jerk or a disgraceful friend and to others, I’m such a lousy boyfriend. I don’t mean it. Back then I was immature. Please forgive me or I’ll never be a happy man. I don’t really want to mention the names but you know who you are. I’m also sorry to Abby. Although Abby and I never got together, there were many empty promises. Believe me. I lived with many regrets. I can’t go back and change all the things right now but I do sincerely wish that all of you are healthy and happy with your life. Most of all, I hope that you can have faith in God and speak to him like I always do. My dad brought me back to God and God brought me back to the right track in life.

Like what I said above, I had many failed relationships before. During that time, I was just too young for love. Like most of the young people now, they just need a companion not a commitment. Same goes for me at that time. For the longest time I am sick of myself not being able to provide care when I know it is most needed. I just backed off. I am not ready. When I feel like I’m being pushed to the limit, I will walk away from the relationship. That was how bad I was. I’m not dependable and I want a lot of freedom. Forcing me to talk on the phone is death penalty. When I don’t feel like talking or I feel that my phone bill is mounting, it is my right not to call. I was that unreasonable. Worst still, at that time, I’m a big time party animal. Absolutely nobody can stop me from going out with my mate to club. Spending money on drinks were my main priority instead of spending money on movies or dinners with girlfriend. Horrendous. Irresponsible living machine. I can be sweet at one moment and cold the next moment. I absolutely hate liars. Once I suspect that there’s a dishonest word in the conversation, I will walk off without seeking any evidence. I just blindly believe the rumours. My mates opinion are rated really highly. If they don’t like my girlfriend then she’s off. I’ve been hurt badly before and part of me was just too gutless to face failure. So I choose to walk off to protect myself most of the time. Of course girls walk away from me before as well. This was the way I live for the longest time. I hate myself for the past. I’ve committed a lot of mistake. The only one comfort I can take is, I’m still young enough to make amend to my life.

Everytime I told myself that I want to be a really good man, a good boyfriend and hopefully a good husband in the future but it never was. I was frustrated. I started to look at myself and ask myself a question. “What is wrong with me?” I just can’t seem to commit. I cant. I did a lot of research and to see what the expert say. I found out one valuable thing which I wish to share with all the guys. In order to really love your woman is to understand her and respect her. Do not ever look at your woman as your sex object. She’s your left arm; she’s your right arm. Without her, life would never be the same again. They are not there to please you for 30 minutes (very subjective matter. Depends on how long you can last of course) They are there to be with you for the rest of your life. They are there to grow old with you and still think you look good as you were now.

After that I started to understand woman more and more and what’s more I appreciate them as who they were instead of how they look. Not long after, I met Shwu Yan and we hit off instantly. Right now my only wish is to marry her and provide comfort to her and also our families. Thank you, Heavenly Father for allowing me to meet someone so wonderful that I hope to share my whole life with. With Shwu Yan everything was simple. When you really know how to love your woman, everything becomes easy. Commitment is not so difficult anymore. It’s like going to work knowing that certain rules need to be complied. Love is a long process because it involves commitment of a lifetime. I’m still learning everyday but knowing the basic and willing to learn will make you a good man for your woman. I know sometimes even good man finds it hard to resist temptation. This is the nature of man. So I would avoid getting near to any temptation. No chance. Nowadays, I only hangout with my girlfriend and my close friends that I absolutely trust. Anything more than that, I will ensure my girlfriend join me or I will have a close friend looking after me. From my point of view, if you choose to avoid the possibilities of meeting with temptation, you will never have an affair. What are the chances of someone as pretty as Paris Hilton dropping by your house and said that she wants you badly and don’t mind having a secret affair with you?

Look into the mirror now and tell yourself this big word “No Chance”.